Complementary Relationships

Most marriage experts identify three primary relationship styles that are common in our culture. Although sometimes different terms are employed, these three types of relationships are typically known as complimentary, symmetrical, and parallel. If you are married the relationship style has already been established and cannot be changed. However, awareness of the various styles will help you to understand some of the dynamics in your relationship and focus on the positives to strengthen your marriage.

The first of the three relationship types is a complementary relationship. This style is based on the maximization of differences between spouses. If you and your partner have personality traits, backgrounds, life experiences, or other qualities that are mostly opposite from each other this is your relationship type. Such relationships generally form because it is perceived that the opposing characteristics or experiences of the two individuals complement, supplement, or provide balance to one another.

One positive aspect of a complementary style of relationship is that it provides the opportunity for some of the needs of each person being met. To give one quick example, if you are somewhat spontaneous and your spouse is somewhat of a planner these characteristics can enhance the experience of both partners. You may feel that you benefit by having some of the stress and complications that come from a lack of organization and planning in certain areas reduced. Your spouse may feel that he/she benefits by being encouraged to relax, enjoy the moment, and not take things too seriously.

However, the same opposing qualities that initially attract two people to one another have potential later in the relationship to be the source of contention or discord. To use the same example, the planning and organizational abilities of a spouse that were once admired can come to be seen as rigid, controlling, or domineering. The spontaneity and unpredictability that was once seen as an attractive quality can later be seen as immaturity and irresponsibility.  While it's true for many that "opposites attract", it's also an eventual reality for some that "differences divide".

It is not uncommon for two people with different traits, qualities, and experiences to become attracted to and marry one another. As pointed out, this can be a very good thing when it brings a sense of completeness to the relationship. The important thing is to focus on the strengths.  Understanding and insight will help you to avoid the potential negative perceptions that can threaten the complementary relationship style.

Articles in this series...

Complementary Relationships
Symmetrical Relationships
Parallel Relationships